Discipline amidst the Dysphoria = Dissonance

“Walk on water”, she said, and as I exorcise these demons of distortion, a phrase came to me, ‘Discipline amidst the dysphoria equals Dissonance.”

A client sent me a free ticket to a Virtual Conference on Digital Technologies. She said she had a free ticket and she thought of me because of the newsletters that I send out. As part helpfulness, and part self-promotion, I send my clients newsletters. I usually do them in series, when I want to share a specific theme of information. On the day I decided to start the last series that I did, I was having a day much like this one. A ‘woe-be-me’ day, a ‘nothing-is-going-as-I-hoped’ day.. These are the days when I feel dissonance – when I am working daily, and the fruit is not yet in front of my eye, but I am still toiling, because discipline produces fruit, so the work continues. Her free ticket is a seed, if not a fruit, but I almost declined the free ticket, until I realised that these are the reasons I work. I work to continuously adjust my positioning – this conference will help with that, so why say ‘No’…out of self-pity?

My business is on a great upswing, but once again, it is because of the work I am putting in and not because of the fruit that I am seeing. There are challenges in this mode of operation – one being that you can feel at odds with the discipline. You can feel so far from where you are walking toward, that you tell yourself that staying in this place might not be so bad. You can’t see the shoreline you left and you can’t see the shoreline you are heading toward.

At the end of our conversation, which was a lot of me explaining all the reasons that I cannot and should not take time out of my day to attend a conference when I am pushing hard to finish work and get paid for it, she simply said, “Thank you for taking the plunge despite how you feel.”

“Walk on water.”

And she left me with that.

The dysphoria comes from my morning glance into the mirror – seeing myself 6 pounds lighter than 3 weeks ago. All the eating and weight gain had pushed me into a softness, a thickness that in a lot of ways still feels very feminine and thus, very uncomfortable. I think subconsciously I rejected the weight gain and pushing through it became scary, because again, I can’t see the shoreline that I left, and I can’t see the one I’m moving toward. In the middle of what seems like nowhere, on the heels of discipline, I am only seeing fog.

I no longer look like the image in the picture. To a body type like mine, 6 pounds is a lot. However, to a business like mine, a free ticket to a virtual digital conference is also a lot.

‘Walk on water,’ she said.

I will.

I will.

Close the door on false narratives

Closing the door..

Picture this, you close the door on a person or situation and think to yourself, well alright..! The door is closed, and I’m just going to move on now!

Not quite..

You hear a soft rap on the door, and ohhh, now you realise that you have only walked a few steps away from it. You thought you had gone miles already! It’s tempting to re-open it. After all, you can hear the knocking..

Some doors need to stay closed. Though seemingly benign, they are gateways – access points to a narrative that you no longer believe in..to a story that you’re no longer a character in..

Reopening the door would be like saying, yes, “I am the character in your story… “
It would be like saying yes, to your role..your assignment.

Keeping the door closed means you no longer live inside of that act, or scene or play.

Opening the door is agreement, and our lives are directly formed by the stories we agree to.

Let’s say I came to you and told you that I am a rocket man and I can fly you to the moon in my rocket and you agreed to go.. Would it not be entirely disorienting if I continued to tell you we are in my rocket ship flying to the moon whilst you know that what you’re actually feeling is the salty sinking feeling of pressure building up around you as if submerged in the deepest portions of the sea. You feel this, but I continue looking you dead in the eye and saying, “Yes, we’re flying..we’re in space..” You have two choices in that moment – ignore your feelings and the truth of them and what they are helping you to affirm or believe my story and live in the drowning illusions of untruth. Narratives are truly dangerous things my friends.

Some doors…for the sake of humanity, close them…then…keep them closed…

#saynototherocketman 🚀 #narrative#breakingfree#traumaresponses#healing#spirituality#closethedoor#nonfiction#writing

Make your own fucking mistakes

“Make your own fucking mistakes.”

Andy used to tell me that all the time. He died 3 years ago but he was a wonderful man. Andy lived and breathed music, it was in his bones, so in a shorter time than anyone else I had ever learned from, Andy was able to help me express myself musically. This was my yearning – how do I get the music that I feel inside out. Andy knew how to pull it out because he knew the language of music. He made music something tangible that I could feel and study and model outside of my body.

Andy also strongly believed in me, and it was from that place that he would repeatedly tell me, “Make your own fucking mistakes.” ..and so I did. The lesson that I learned from Andy was that the language of music transcends everything. Making one’s own mistakes was exactly like the practice of taking ones own inner music and bringing it to life. You would need to write it, to strum it, to play it…to know whether it worked or not. There is no guitar in my head but there can be one in my hand, and I can work out the song (life) by playing it.

I haven’t played music for a long time and who knows when I might ever pick that back up. I know now that this is one of the mistakes I had actively made for a long time. I’ve always juggled too many things. I am so full of creative energy that it is often hard to put myself in a silo but..there is a level of focused intensity that’s needed in order to birth things. If I try to spread that focus across too many things, I lose the intensity.

This one is for Andy…thank you king. You taught me SO much and you are not forgotten. To all of you, ‘don’t be afraid..’ to make your own fucking mistakes.

Furtherance

On the evolve path, at any given moment in time, you’re moving closer into yourself. You’re moving closer toward that self that is a mix of who YOU were specifically meant to be, but also the type of human that we were all meant to be. Committing to becoming that person means that you have discipline to stay on the path. Your choices today and reminders to yourself that you ARE growing, even when you don’t feel like it, have outcomes. You’re already reaching for the greater aspect of yourself so encourage yourself. The people you meet today have no concept of the versions of you that have come before now. The people you meet today most likely won’t understand that you don’t always look like what you’re becoming. You might not look like your future in the smaller moments that that very future is composed of.

A quick example to illustrate the point is extreme weight loss. If you’re trying to lose weight and you start at 500lbs. At 350lbs, you will meet someone who doesn’t understand the activities that helped you lose 150lbs. Your goal weight may be 200lbs which means that you will have 150lbs left to lose until you reach your goal weight. You may make choices at times that rob you of your own conviction and you feel like you’re back at square one. However, you also know that in getting from 500lbs to 350lbs, you had more days of discipline and sticking to your vision of who you’re becoming than days of doubting yourself and your ability to get to your goal weight of 150lbs. At 350lbs, you could still be the ridicule of people who judge you against your own vision for yourself.

Commitment to your path is a hard-driven bargain. Count on yourself and you’ll see the results. Push through the doubts..doubts from others and doubts from within yourself. Every day, commit to your envisioned outcomes. Those outcomes fulfil your furtherance.

Furtherance – a word for today – a contract you make with yourself to grow.

Keep going/growing…let no-one stand in your way..even yourself..

Removing (their) authority

Although I prefer to freelance, I have worked some full-time jobs intermittently and at the last job that I did, I was in essence a solo mini department. It gave me a lot of flexibility and control over my deliverables and job function.

From the minute I arrived until I eventually left, I challenged everything. Shortly after one particularly testy meeting with the IT manager, my power was diminished. They didn’t fire me. Instead they decided to just remove my ability to challenge anything. I was locked out of decision making and subsequently made redundant.

They had removed my authority. 

I reflect on that situation as an analogy for the way that I had begun to approach several relationships in my life, including my relationship with myself. I have been removing the authority that people have had over my ability to expand and evolve as a human, as well as their power over my decision-making, believing them to be worthy of sharing in my process. I have even had to fire myself at times.

Even in lieu of that, I had to also examine the ways in which I deserved to have my authority stripped by others, when they no longer felt that I was safe or trustworthy.

I have at least one real life example that easily comes to mind.

I spent my teenage years living with a relative and her family. Many years after, when I had grown up, moved out, and was living on my own, I would visit regularly. I repeatedly found that no matter how much I grew and changed as a person, as soon as I walked through their front door, I felt like a teenager again. In their minds, I was still the 18 year old that last lived there.

I had to actively make a choice to stop responding as the person they thought me to be. I stopped play-acting as if I was still that 18 year old.

It was awkward at first because everything that they did had always been familiar, but the changes that I had already experienced up to that point had already shown me that change comes with a level of discomfort. It is hardly ever easy.

They had given me a ceiling..an invisible line above which they never imagined that I could grow past.

I removed the line and subsequently, their authority to keep it in place over me.

Catfish and Transition

Today I took my 3rd testosterone shot, and I’ve had 2 foremost thoughts leading up to today…

Catfish. That’s the word that came to mind when I thought about expressing the first thing… In 2017 and 2018, I spent one year each living through either end of my gender polarities. In 2017, I cleared out my wardrobe and replaced it entirely with men’s clothing and shoes. In 2018, I flipped the script and did the reverse, living in my feminine.. Both years had their own challenges but it helped me face up to the way that the world sees gender and subsequently how the world sees me. This brings me to the way I started off thing 1.. To catfish someone means to lure them in with a false image of yourself. I do that often, in my pictures.. I always turn away from the camera slightly, so that you don’t quite see my curvaceousness. Throughout the years I’ve seen the many other ways that masculine womxn mask themselves so that their figure is not a highlight of their appearance..some get super thin..some get super thick..some over-emphasize, with jeans slung low on hip, and a deep crawl.. But I feel sad for the need to force the point..that some of us feel like we have to put it on display…like, look, see see, I am a man too…

I’ve had to talk myself down in many situations where I am confronted with comments that are made specifically for the purpose of embarassing me into ‘reality’ and the version of reality that the person is proposing is that hey, you look too much like a girl for what you’re saying about yourself to be true..you’re not a man or half a man or none of that shit..just accept it.

The second thing is the idea that making any movement along the gender spectrum is, once expressed, understood as a move toward the other end, completely.

Transition is seen by most as an on and off switch instead of a circular knob tuning in and dialing into the perfect frequency…

..I’m moving toward my own sense of balance – in between places..

Catfish. Transition.. the two words that I’m leaving you with today, in this ongoing story from a hybrid human..

Sidenote: you see my sweet puppernoos, Tessa-Joy? Lol, she’s the sweetest..

Proofing

Proofing..

..stockpiling evidence about my worth so that people can see, “look..see, I am somebody too..”

Countless times I have found myself dropping nuggets of proof into conversations and chance encounters..hoping that I have left enough of a trail for the other party to find me at the junction of success.

You know those golden phrases…the conversation-changers that you just itch to drop..

Even now, I find it hard to detach those things from my worth because I know that even if that isn’t my immediate intention, some impressionable person somewhere is going ‘oooh, so you’re a bigtimer huh?!’ and its a fight not to allow the ego to lead the charge. 

These things were all insanely difficult for me to beat the odds of my own life and attain but then the things themselves are also insanely difficult to beat the world’s odds and gain notoriety or money from. As such the true and more fulfilling endeavor is to continuously make new checklists out of your own checklists but for yourself..not for other people.

If you let ego take over, you will find yourself doing more and more things to maintain your checklists..to make sure that people see you as the person you project yourself to be. You will lose some honesty along the way, because you will hold too tightly to the checklist. You will take too long to evolve because you define yourself by the checklist, so that making any changes, even for the sake of your own progress, will take you too long to commit to.

The proof doesn’t prove anything unless my character can sustain the weight of my dreams..

There are still too many limiting thoughts that hold me back from accessing my potential to do those things that I dream about, whether big or small.

I have finally carved out the space, time and energy now to do what matters..I want to conquer myself so that I become more about pudding and less about proving..as far as that saying goes, “the proof is in the pudding.”

#writing
#nonfictionprose

Giving energy to the AWESOME!

When I published my first book, ‘Godcall’, I really was an entirely different person. My core and divine sensibilities were all there but so were my struggles and resolving them 10 years later led me to writing ‘The Inside Story’.

‘Godcall’, if I am truthful is a much better book than ‘The Inside Story’. They are both a collection of thoughts, but in different formats. ‘Godcall’ is a story written in poetry and ‘The Inside Story’ is one written in prose.

Technically speaking, I wish I could do more for ‘The Inside Story’ on my own, but some things have to be done outside of one self…from the vantage point of objectivity, in order to balance the writing for the sake of someone outside my head. I need a great editor to take the book and make it greater, and that will be done in time. If it is never done, it will be because the book served its purpose and is no longer needed, not by author or by its eventual readers. Its all good..we will see how it goes.

I have taken down ‘Godcall’ and ‘The Inside Story’ from Amazon.

I will focus on pushing ‘The Dream’ book series. As I continue to streamline my energy, focus and purpose, it helps me laser in to what is adding and what is hanging.

Those two books are ‘hanging’.

The Dream is an AWESOME book.
Godcall is a good book.
The Inside Story is ‘okay’ but it is not GREAT.

I am going to put all my energy into my AWESOME!

Book 2 in ‘The Dream’ book series is currently being written.

#hybridhuman
#hybridhumans
#nonbinaryfashion
#nonbinarymodel
#duality
#authorscommunity
#authorpreneur
#writerscircle
#janberry
#author
#writer

In The Eye of The Storm

You know, I sure have never seen the inside of the eye of the storm, but you’ve heard the stories, right? That…in the dead center, if you were to stand there, it is deathly calm, and there is a barricade of wind stopping the destruction from entering that very middle.

I imagine that they call it the eye of the storm because of way that the swirling pattern looks from way up high…birds eye view, way up high where there is no destruction, just a bird looking down at a pattern, swirling forward.

Coming back down to the vantage point of INSIDE the storm, in the eye, there is calm, and there is clarity. Being this eye, and being this calm…seeing your storms clearly, makes a world (or a whirl) of difference.

This month has seen me activate many new levels in my life – moving on to a new season. Rest assured that the season I have just come from is adamant that I must either stay in it, or be so bothered by the moving storm that I shift my focus away from the calm encircling my vision. I see the truth of where I am standing and seeing that, it makes the storm swirl around me BEYOND the barrier of wind.

Let me bring this into focus for you.

My father…not quite the man people think he is..least of all him..is an abusive and manipulative man, who has chosen for all of his life, to plaster on the face of good works, and of being a ‘good’ Samaritan, rather than face himself in the mirror. Deep down he knows that this masquerade will eventually push to the far corners of his world, everything that he has tried to keep close.

The more that I leaned into my own personal healing, was the more that I saw and became strong enough to bear the weight of who he really is, as a man, and as a human being. I was able to really feel the weight of the pain my inner child felt – the defenceless little girl he abandoned to someone else’s care whilst he lived a mere 15 minutes away and neither called, nor visited. I was able to put into proper perspective that whilst he may not admit to himself that he is an angry, wife beater, I am only responsible to myself for telling myself the truth of what I saw in him as a child where there was another story spilling out like blood onto the floor. Every smiling, self-congratulating thing that he has ever said to himself about himself is lost behind the whirling lies that he has created in his own life. He has projected the evil he saw in himself onto my brother, and like the sweet and affable person that I do miss, my brother sapped it up and became the monster that my father pretended that he himself was not. They both could have healed, but my brother trapped himself in his pain whilst assuming my father’s lies.

In the last year, I’ve seen how powerful we humans can be, whether or not we understand that truly, we create each and every circumstance in our own lives. I’ve seen my father, spit lies from his mouth, whilst the truth of his soul creates circumstances that match the weight of his burden – the burden of lies. Rather than manifest healing, by admitting to himself, “Me..I am that monster,” instead, he has never, not even once, acknowledged nor admitted to any of his wrongs. Rather, everything is all everyone else’s fault – his wife LEFT him, the government is terrible, his neighbours are atrocious and all the ‘other’ people are assholes.

For a decade, I chose to remain here and live with him, mostly to stay close to my nephew, but also because I chose during that time to focus on my own healing, rather than activate whatever vengeance I could have harboured for the man. Instead I learned to both love him, flaws and all but also, see him in his whole truth, at the same rate that I saw myself in all my own truth.

The brunt of my healing, now completed, I can move on, and have chosen to. I told him I was moving. The next day he fell and burst his head. I cleaned the bruise, patched it, encouraged him to seek medical attention, but instead he spiritedly walked around the neighbourhood telling everyone how he fell, seeking their pity and lapping up the attention he got over his fall. It was quite convenient that this fall should happen when he learned that finally he would be left alone to face his own demons.

Spiritual Sabotage
Realising that he was continuing to sprout the narrative that I would, as I had done before, go for another long haunting stretch to my other places, Grande Riviere, and Tobago but return for a spell at some point, I reminded him a few days ago, that no, I was leaving, for good. I’m leaving. I’m not returning, not soon, not ever. He had a seizure yesterday morning.

Now, I did the right thing, and called the ambulance, attended to him, made sure he got to the hospital and everything related to his care yesterday. However, in my spirit, where I have chosen to pull truth up every time I am facing the option of lies or truth, I’ve seen how powerfully this man’s manipulative grasp is wanting to extend into me. It was not enough that I was merely a punching bag for his weak ego all my life. Now, that he is losing grasp and he can see in my eyes, that I’ve seen him in the fullness of his true self, and am no longer drinking his Kool-aid, his spirit is now entertaining a slew of antics.

The doctors discovered nothing in his blood, X-Ray, CT-Scan or ECG to confirm that a seizure should have happened, or would happen again. This was entirely manifested by the storm raging around his own denial, about himself.

In clarity and calm, I see his storm raging around me, along with everything else form my past that has tossed itself into the winds in the last two weeks and wanting to hold me bondage to the family and life that I am leaving behind when I move out of my father’s house at the end of this month.

I won’t crash his narrative. I will play along until I am just not there to be a part of the play anymore, and whatever story is left behind will be his to tell, and re-tell.

I live in truth, and in the eye of the storm, I see the storm clearly. The storm will die away if you just, stand still…stand still in truth.

Lies, even the ones that you tell yourself manifest a chaotic life… a loveless life, a frenetic and stressed life as you focus so gingerly each day on preserving the lie, that you don’t realise that you are swirling around and around and going nowhere.

Five years ago, I stepped out of the storm of my own life, and it has increasingly given me the peace and clarity to stay out of storms entirely.

It is as quiet today, as it was the yesterday and the day before that, here in the truthful eye of the storm.

The Truth of the Matter Is

They say “the truth shall set you free.”
It doesn’t.
..unless you act on it.

This has never been more true for me than in my relationships with people.

Maya Angelou has famously been known to have said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Before I knew that it would be worth it, it was depressing and tiring – leaving friendships, closing doors, opening new ones..

One of my manipulators hissed at me one day, “you’ll die alone..” and for a while I kept that idea close, believed that I had to stay..or else I would end up alone and unloved..that version of me needed much more bravery then, to walk away, than I do now.

..but alas, the truth of the matter is..one day you will walk into the rooms that refresh you instead of exhaust you.. By acting on the truth that “You are worth more than this..”, you foster an energy around you that gathers momentum every time you ACT on this knowledge. This ball of energy eventually stirs wildly enough around you that you start to open new doors and become pleasantly surprised when…they show up for you, they love you, they even really like you..they don’t wish to hurt you, though not perfect, but they are true..they are truth.they act kindly on the love they say they have for you. They reflect your truths. They reflect beauty.. all because, you were brave enough to ACT on the truth that “I am worth more than this..”

One day…your actions will set you free, if you keep believing in yourself enough to take them..

– JanBerry

#selflove #healing #knowthyself #lovingself #soul #spirit #sexuality #spirituality #duality #writing #author #genderidentity #genderexpression #gender #masculinity #femininity #lgbtq #lgbtqia